Daycare Mom Oversteps Boundary by Privately Messaging Woman's Husband Late Into the Night, Raising Red Flags

Author image for Ely Bulnes
Ely Bulnes • Writer and Editor
Jul 15, 2024 5:00 PM EDT

Daycare centers are surprisingly rife with drama. Maybe that's a little hard to believe. I mean, what drama could babies and toddlers possibly have? Well, little Tom swiped a pacifier right out of Ben's bare hands, baby Jack tested out his incoming teeth on Sammy's arm, Anna just knocked over baby Sophie's tower, which she built meticulously with magnetic tiles, and Cara's biscuit is not the exact same brand that her parents buy, so she's now pounding the floor with her tiny fists. Perhaps she's overreacting, but she's only been on this earth for a year and a half; she's still figuring things out and adjusting. In any case, caregivers are trained to deal with these situations, and they're usually resolves pretty quickly. The truth is, the real daycare drama doesn't come from melodramatic toddlers-- it comes from the parents.

Today's story features a woman who fully trusts her husband but does not trust the daycare mom who is making his phone light up and buzz late into the night. Sure, our protagonist has free access to all conversations, and it's usually just about the kids, but it's rubbing her the wrong way that this other mother exclusively texts her husband about it. Anyone else see the red flag? Redditors certainly did. Read what they had to say below!

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  • 01
    r/ r/BestofRedditorUpdates • u/Choice_... 1d burying his body back wi... Am I wrong for feeling uncomfortable with a daycare mom sending messages to my husband at all hours?
    via u/choice_evidence1983, u/MixedMamaBelly27
  • 02
    Original Post: May 17, 2024 My 1 year old son has a playmate in daycare. The mom and dad of the other child have scheduled playdates with us and we have gone and hung out with them and kids. The first contact is my husband as he and other mom chit chat at drop off. That's fine with me. Mom and I also chat at times on messenger but she also sends private messages to my husband.
    via u/choice_evidence1983, u/MixedMamaBelly27
  • 03
    What I have noticed is she sends a lot of messages throughout the day about the kids, and playdates, and other things like TV shows, etc. She will send these messages pretty late at night... sometimes 11:30pm or later. We just met these parents a few weeks ago and I told my husband that I think it's disrespectful for her to send him messages that late. He doesn't understand the issue as he assumes we are all "friends" so what's the difference? I told him that this is not an issue of jealousy but
    via u/choice_evidence1983, u/MixedMamaBelly27
  • 04
    I didn't tell him to stop messaging or say anything to her but I suggested that we should just have a group chat rather than these private messages because there won't be any questions. Am I wrong?
    via u/choice_evidence1983, u/MixedMamaBelly27
  • 05
    Relevant Comments OOP responds to multiple questions on if the daycare mom is that busy and sends messages at various times OOP: To provide clarity, she is not busy all day because she messages throughout the day. She messages me during the day but doesn't message me later but I have noticed she will message him later at night. I understand having friends of the opposite, that's not my concern. I have opposite friends but I would not message them late at night because it's disrespectful if they
    via u/choice_evidence1983, u/MixedMamaBelly27
  • 06
    OOP on if she is allowing her husband to have friends of the opposite OOP: My husband and I both have friends of the opposite . That's not my issue, it's the late night texting that is for me, inappropriate. I understand that they get along and can be friends but for many the late hours texting is a bit much. I am by no means a jealous person but her behavior raises alarm bells for me. I am giving her the benefit of the doubt and just minding my own business but I don't know this woman very well
    via u/choice_evidence1983, u/MixedMamaBelly27
  • 07
    I'm not harping on my husband about it either. I'm good at the long game and just letting things run their course. My husband works from home so to be fair he's excited about any friendships because he's home alone all day.
    via u/choice_evidence1983, u/MixedMamaBelly27
  • 08
    OOP on if she has concerns about her husband and the daycare mom OOP: I'm not worried about her coming on to him. I see the messages and I don't have a huge issue with them messaging. My issue is the time and that we don't know each other yet. It's possible she is naive and very friendly and I would also put my husband in that boat too. As someone mentioned earlier the optics look bad. The conversations are innocent enough and that's fine but at 11pm? While I'm already asleep... it's interesting
    via u/choice_evidence1983, u/MixedMamaBelly27
  • 09
    We have had several playdates with her, her husband and the kids and she and I have since talked more. We do have a group chat started but she continually messages myself and my husband separately about various topics. It was mentioned at a playdate that my husband and one of our kids goes to breakfast at a particular place and time and guess who just happened to be there with her kid and had breakfast?
    via u/choice_evidence1983, u/MixedMamaBelly27
  • 10
    Update: July 6, 2024 Update from original post about Am a daycare mom sending messages to my husband at all hours? So the past few months have seen daycare mom continually trying to test boundaries. She was to attend an event and was going to carpool but her carpool fell through and guess who she called to drop her off? My husband! My husband told me about it right away but daycare mom has to this day never mentioned that he gave her a ride. She continued to text my husband at night about nonsen
    via u/choice_evidence1983, u/MixedMamaBelly27
  • 11
    It's just general respect. It would be one thing if I knew her and her husband well but I don't. It to me is odd behavior for a grown person...we all hang out while the kids play, chat, etc. When we get home she immediately texts him...like for what? We all just hung out and talked and shared stories? It's very juvenile and childish, so it makes me wonder if she's got motives.
    via u/choice_evidence1983, u/MixedMamaBelly27
  • 12
    weird position. She didn't outright tell my husband about her marriage problems but she did elude to them and subsequently asked him in a private message if he knew of any good breakfast recommendations as she was going to be dining alone in the morning (mind you she has lived in this area her whole life and we've been her for 2 years). My husband told me about the message and he was confused about why she would even ask him this.
    via u/choice_evidence1983, u/MixedMamaBelly27
  • 13
    Daycare mom has recently told me about her relationship with her husband and that it was not going well and she was moving out soon. Prior to this she did mention that she was annoyed with her spouse because he was oblivious to things and she did "everything". She also sent me some very private screenshots of messages between them in which they were discussing their relationship. I was really disgusted that she sent messages like that from her spouse and I showed my husband and he was equally an
    via u/choice_evidence1983, u/MixedMamaBelly27
  • 14
    Thanks for everyone who responded! The advice was awesome and I let my husband read all of your kind and not so kind works for him lol
    via u/choice_evidence1983, u/MixedMamaBelly27
  • 15
    We had a playdate with them today and at one point myself and her husband are wrangling the kids. My husband informed me after we walked she asked him "why don't we talk that much anymore." So suffice to say husband now understands why I was getting so annoyed and angry at the situation. He didn't understand somehow that she was crossing a boundary... especially in girl code. At this point we are going to start backing off of communication with her because it seems like she enjoys creating drama
    via u/choice_evidence1983, u/MixedMamaBelly27
  • 16
    So I give her advice about her husband, and my husband at this point has barely talked to her because we are busy and he is just annoyed. Then what do you know, 24 hours later she and her husband are magically back together and not breaking up anymore! She subsequently scaled way back on chatting with my husband for about a week now. My H and I have been fully transparent about our messages with daycare mom. It's become very obvious in the past few weeks that she has been using both of us but es
    via u/choice_evidence1983, u/MixedMamaBelly27
  • 17
    My husband has backed off texting her a few weeks ago because he started to see what I was saying and was surprised and also getting that she was being so conniving and also so nasty to her husband who seems like a pretty decent guy. We had a play date and her husband and I were wrangling the kids up and she took that opportunity while I was out of earshot to ask my husband "why don't they talk much anymore?"
    via u/choice_evidence1983, u/MixedMamaBelly27
  • 18
    Eventually her true intentions started to show. She is definitely a validation seeker...she continued to text late at night, she all of sudden needed a ride somewhere and specifically asked my husband to drop her off even though she has a functional car and money to Uber, oh and a husband to help (she still hasn't mentioned to me my husband giving her a ride to work, he told me immediately after). She continued to text him privately even after a group message was started. She "coincidentally" ra
    via u/choice_evidence1983, u/MixedMamaBelly27
  • 19
    Additional Comment from OOP onto the original post, but provided better context for the update OOP: Turns out I was right. She does have ulterior motives. I didn't interfere with communication or control anything. I told my husband that he's a grown up, he knows my position on this so don't do anything stupid lol
    via u/choice_evidence1983, u/MixedMamaBelly27
  • 20
    Daycare mom is also very aggressive about wanting to have playdates and hang out with us. We could have a playdate on a Friday and she'll want to hang out with us on Saturday and Sunday. It is exhausting and just strange because she sometimes doesn't won't take no for an answer! My husband was getting irritated with the constant invites and started backing off on hanging out because we simply had a lot to do.
    via u/choice_evidence1983, u/MixedMamaBelly27
  • 21
    OOP on the possibility if the daycare mom has some issues going on besides her marriage OOP: Yes I am starting to think there is a possible mental health issue. That's why we're trying to make a soft landing with her and just gradually faze our communication so she doesn't have some kind of freakout and do anything crazy.
    via u/choice_evidence1983, u/MixedMamaBelly27
  • 22
    Relevant Comments Has OOP's husband apologized to her for what took place? OOP: Oh yes he definitely apologized, many times! He was quite naive and is generally a nice person. Nicer than I am so I went in hoping I was wrong but unfortunately I was not wrong in this situation. it's annoying because she is fun and her husband is a cool dude but I am not interested in drama and dealing with their issues. It's hard to find parent friends so this was a bummer.
    via u/choice_evidence1983, u/MixedMamaBelly27
  • 23
    So long story short, she's been using these play dates, me and especially my husband as validation and to try to make her husband either jealous or just to seek his attention. My husband is like completely flabbergasted at her ability to be so underhanded...I tried to tell him but at least now I get to say "I told you so"
    via u/choice_evidence1983, u/MixedMamaBelly27
  • 24
    peter095837. 1d the lion, the witch and the audacit--HOW IS THERE... Why is OP even continuing to plan play dates with this lady? OP is literally feeding this behavior and needs to cut this lady off fast. ← Reply 2.7k
    via u/choice_evidence1983, u/MixedMamaBelly27
  • 25
    qpwoeor1235. 1d meanwhile the kids are just vibing with each other not a care in the world ← Reply 3.9k Dontunderstandfamily. 1d I am one of those few dozen people who do not liv... I loved the line about how they don't play together but just stare at each other. ← 2.1k
    via u/choice_evidence1983, u/MixedMamaBelly27
  • 26
    People are coming for me lol but my husband and I are aware of the possibility of her being slightly coo coo and I've been observing from the beginning because something just felt a bit off. It took my husband a little longer because he's genuinely a nice person, nicer than I am! So he was thinking, maybe she's just quirky, maybe she texts late because that's the only time she has. Now he is to the point of just totally cutting her off because he's irritated with the amount of time she wants to
    via u/choice_evidence1983, u/MixedMamaBelly27
  • 27
    FragrantImposter • 1d I'm suddenly feeling very self-conscious about how late I stay up and message people. I mostly just assume that they'll reply when they're free, and I'll do the same, and don't really care about what time it happens. But then, I have adhd and insomnia, so I message people when I remember to, because chances are that if I don't, I'll forget for weeks or months. I really hope none of my friends think I'm trying to break up their marriages. Reply 864
    via u/choice_evidence1983, u/MixedMamaBelly27
  • 28
    la_chica_rubia • 1d You, Keith! Ugh she sounds insufferable. 3 play dates in a weekend? Hard pass. Late-night texting? Dude needs to shut off his phone!! ← Reply ☑ 457
    via u/choice_evidence1983, u/MixedMamaBelly27
  • 29
    LittleMsSavoir Faire • 1d I fail to see what my hobbies have to do with this issue My husband and I made friends with a single lady our age at our gym (40s). she and I have gone out for drinks a couple of times. He actually likes her and he doesn't like many people. She moved out of the area so he gave her his number and said he hoped they could still talk about workout plans. She put all three of us in a group chat, which was fine while we were hearing about her new place and her new job, but t
    via u/choice_evidence1983, u/MixedMamaBelly27
  • 30
    FriesWithShakeBooty • 1d I'm so glad my late husband had at least a base level EQ. He would have (has) laid out boundaries like no late night texts (and eventually telling her to keep it on the group chat), and, "Nope. Can't drive you; ask your husband" and "No, this is a daddy/child breakfast." But yeah: best to keep people like this far away. Reply 197
    via u/choice_evidence1983, u/MixedMamaBelly27
  • 31
    All of which is to say, I'll have to show this thread to my husband as further support that there definitely is an evolving politeness consensus about how to communicate via text with a married acquaintance! Edit for spelling Reply 118
    via u/choice_evidence1983, u/MixedMamaBelly27
  • 32
    I can tell that OOP is trying to express why the late night convos bug her the most, but doesn't seem to be able to properly put it into words. It is an agreed upon thing that late night conversations have more emotional intimacy. Now, the husband is not treating it in that way, I'm guessing he doesn't reach out to her first late at night, but it seems the other mother is trying to achieve that, just so she can spite her husband. And that's why it's getting OOP's hackles up. And she is right to
    via u/choice_evidence1983, u/MixedMamaBelly27
  • 33
    And I said to my husband, "I understand why she texted both of us and not just you, to signal she's not a threat and she's not talking to you behind my back. But like, is there any polite way for me to say "I'm not worried about you. Please talk amongst yourselves."?" Because this is boring. She and I talked about career when we hung out. You just talk about different things with different friends. We had a long discussion about both politeness and signalling but concluded that she herself might
    via u/choice_evidence1983, u/MixedMamaBelly27
  • 34
    Erzsabet • 1d I will erupt feral from the cardigan, screaming. Oh man, this went way better than I thought it would. I had thought the husband would be in on this as well, thankfully he was just naive and trying to be a good friend. My partner is friends with other women, and I have never had any legitimate worries about those friendships.
    via u/choice_evidence1983, u/MixedMamaBelly27
  • 35
    Staceyrt. 1d built an art room for my bro This is why I love sleep focus on my iPhone and I'm sure other phones have something similar; but unless you're my immediate family you can message but you get the notifications silenced, I'm sleeping message from me, and I'll answer when the sun is in the sky. In my culture the only reason you message someone you're not close with that late at night is because you want to be close to them. As the famous line goes the only thing open late at night is the
    via u/choice_evidence1983, u/MixedMamaBelly27
  • 36
    DatguyMalcolm • 1d It is exhausting and just strange because she sometimes doesn't won't take no for an answer! Is it that hard for people to just be like "Yeah, no! I said no, so no! Thanks, bye!" ... Reply ☆ û 27 ♡
    via u/choice_evidence1983, u/MixedMamaBelly27
  • 37
    WorldWeary 1771 • 1d Alison, I was upset. My mother had a friend who used to call her at 7 pm every day and she had to ask her to stop because this was in the time of day where she had the most interaction with my dad. She said that you have to block out time for your spouse specifically or you'll never find the time as there is always some distraction or something else that wants attention from you. Her friend, who is as also married, had never heard of this concept. ... ← Reply Ŵ7 ♡
    via u/choice_evidence1983, u/MixedMamaBelly27
  • 38
    Miserable_Fennel_492 • 23h Bruh. Maybe I'm old fashioned but the understanding has always been that, unless there's an emergency, anything after 9 will be ignored and anything after 10 is rude. But I also come from an era where you can't just put your phone on silent mode. ... Reply Ŵ 6 3
    via u/choice_evidence1983, u/MixedMamaBelly27

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